Community life. There is a difference between merely living with people and living in community with people. Most of us have lived with people many times and ways throughout our life- our family we grew up with, various roommates as young adults perhaps, and, maybe now, the family we chose to create. Some of these situations may have been very intentional and some of them may have been what was given. When I left for Honduras with Heart’s Home I was given some reflections, as well as, some practical points to think about when living in community. We were told our community would be our biggest blessing, as well as…our biggest challenge. We were told, as excited as we were to begin our mission of loving our neighbors and the poorest ones, we first would have to learn to love our community. Like most things that sound simple enough in the theoretical realm, I had little concern about the challenges of community life. Then the theoretical became the real.
Real community life is humbling. Why? Because in theory, I can think of myself as a patient, reliable, generous person…then a real person starts irritating me, counts on me for something or asks me to give more than I want to give, and I have to confront the fact that maybe who I think I am doesn’t always match up to who I actually am. However, as my weaknesses are shown in community life, there can be much grace. If my community members continue to forgive me, I too can learn to be more merciful to others. As we work through our conflicts rather than hide from them, a deeper and more authentic bond is formed.
With many relationships outside of community life, we choose how much we are known. Social media has added to this ability immensely- I can create a persona and scan through 100 pictures to find the most perfect moment to project out into the world. When I meet a friend for coffee I tend to share the highlights or big moments that have happened recently. I probably don’t tell them about my grumpy mood the other morning, my overreaction to my child’s spill or confess my white lie. I’m not saying all relationships outside of community life are superficial. However, there is an intimacy that can be shared when we are vulnerable and known, when we share in life’s mundane daily moments.
In order to be known, we have to know ourselves. I’ve been listening to a book called, Boundaries. It gives a good definition for interpersonal boundaries and clarifies who I am, who I’m not, what I’m responsible for and what I’m not responsible for. Heart’s Home told me we would learn to express our “I” in community life. The short explanation of all this is that I have to know who I am and be vulnerable enough to express my needs, as well as, humbly admit my failing in order to reach a true peace. True peace doesn’t come from avoiding the inevitable conflict of sharing space with people. True peace comes from allowing someone to see me in all my beauty and ugliness and receiving their mercy and then trying to give mercy in return. True compassion doesn’t happen by pretending to be someone I’m not or becoming a doormat. It takes having strong boundaries and a strong sense of who I am in order to grow in community life. If we’re really living in community, each one will become more fully who each one is in all their uniqueness. A real community doesn’t demand we change, but celebrates our differences.
Many of us are spending a lot more time with our communities- be it our family or our roommates. I have laughed heartily at the many jokes circulating about the serious annoyances with spending so much unexpected time with these people. As we navigate these very real annoyances, let’s practice growing in self-awareness, mercy and vulnerability.
“Community is where humility and glory touch” -Henri Nouwen