I woke up with the phrase, “nature abhors a vacuum,” in my head. It felt like the kind of thought that usually only comes to me when I go on a walk or have some moment of free thought and am given a little clarity on something. Waking up with an insight is not my norm…usually in those moments between sleeping and waking my first thoughts are, what time is it? What day is it? What do I need to prepare today? As I wake up enough to know the time and date, then my to do list starts reeling. Yep, within seconds of waking, my mind jumps into the mode it is in the majority of the day- spinning through all the details of each activity that needs to be accomplished. This morning was not a particularly rushed morning for once, and as I picked the overgrown weeds out of my garden beds a couple hours later, the phrase came back to me. Nature abhors a vacuum. I don’t actually know where I’ve even heard that or who said it. I had planted my rows closer together this year, hoping the weeds would have less space to plant themselves and grow…it didn’t work. Even in the tightest rows, weeds had found an empty spot and sent down roots. If there is a lesson I’ve been reminded of repeatedly, it’s that “empty” time will be filled. I try so hard to schedule “down time” for myself and my family, but it’s shocking how I have to guard that down time fiercely or it will be invaded on all sides. Rather than scheduling a time for ‘nothing’ like I used to, I’ve started naming the ‘nothing.’ Mostly because it’s easier to turn down an invitation by saying, “we’re having a family day,” than by saying, “we’re doing nothing today.” Naming the ‘nothing’ does help me prioritize though exactly what I’m seeking during this down time, it helps me know what I’m guarding. It helps me know what I’m saying ‘yes’ to when I’m saying ‘no’ to all the other things. It’s been about a year since I first started really discerning how to prioritize mine and my family’s needs and really trying to put some order into my seemingly constantly spinning mind. I thought I’d give you an update and hopefully inspire you to consider how your time is spent and if your free time is truly free.
Last year began a very busy season for us and most of those big reasons have continued into this year. My husband works two jobs, both of which include travel, and one which is still pretty new. We are building our dream house and while it is very exciting, it is very time-consuming. We have made the choice to continue a hybrid home school program. I love getting to spend that extra time with my kids, but it means there are days I am teaching, rather than getting other work done. We started fostering again and she brings so much joy to our family, but I will admit the changing plans and changing schedules is a lot to mentally process and manage. This year we have had so many unexpected medical issues. It has been a (not so funny) joke around here that we are just trying to make it two weeks without going to the doctor…we keep failing. Your life is probably busy with some different things and some similar things, but I am sure your “empty” spaces are quickly filled up. I invite you to think about what fills your days and are they things that reflect your priorities? Most of the things that make our life so busy are due to choices we have made at some point. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to complain about being busy and crazy because it is my own doing. Our culture tends to glorify being busy and productive and I really want to resist that temptation, but also our life is just plain full and sometimes it is downright exhausting. Scolding myself for having a busy life doesn’t help anybody, doubting my life choices and constantly re-assessing if I’m really cut out for fostering or home schooling also doesn’t, and pretending that I don’t get tired or overwhelmed is definitely not real. So, I just try to let the moments of overwhelm be my signal that I have not been doing a good job of counter balancing our life with rest and nourishment. It’s still not a perfect “system” and I’m sure it never will be.
A year ago, in a fit of tears, I knew something had to change. The pace we were living was not sustainable without a counterbalance of rest, spiritual nourishment, and a focus on priorities. I still felt committed to the choices that were filling our hours and days, so I felt stuck. I spent many hours praying, reading, and prioritizing. I heard a quote that said, “a need sustains, a want entertains.” That quote helped me feel less indulgent about claiming things like rest, and time in nature, and time in silence, which are truly needs for me. Maybe I need more rest and silence than the average person, but maybe not, but it is not a luxury, it is truly a need. I wrote down schedules, lists and sub lists, so that rather than trying to remember all the things that spin around in my mind, I can go to a list. One list has the things that I discerned I need on a monthly basis: a silent day retreat, the Sacrament of confession, a date night with my husband, a phone call with a particular soul friend, time out with a girlfriend or two, a massage, a house cleaner to come, and writing in my journal or blog. If I don’t intentionally schedule these things, many months will pass before some empty time opens up and these things happen organically. Some of these things were hard to claim. As a mom, our needs usually go last. Even as I’m currently writing them down to share with you, I feel the need to validate these needs. I feel like I have to justify why a massage and a house cleaner are justifiable uses of our money and time. But maybe rather than giving my myriad of reasons, I will just say confidently I have discerned that these help the rest of our life choices remain sustainable. You and your family might have different monthly needs. Things always seem to come up that are more important, particularly during the time set aside for prayer, writing (creativity), and rest. But I have to remind myself that I can not serve and give of myself if I haven’t been filled up. I have to be right with my relationships, especially my most important relationships, in order to do the work required of me. If my relationships aren’t right, the work will be meaningless.
Having a silent day of retreat has been the most significant change to my rhythm. One Saturday a month I sleep in, then head out for a coffee somewhere where I spend at least an hour in my planner- scheduling all these monthly intentional things. After that I usually head on a hike. Walking in nature clears my head in a way that, after a month, I am usually pretty desperate for. After that I head to a church to pray for a couple hours. Sometimes, I bring some sort of meditation with me, sometimes I just sit in silence and try to listen to my creator. I don’t always have deep insights or moments of revelations, but if I didn’t set aside this time I never would hear my creator. It’s incredible to realize how much the noise of normal life fills my head normally…kind of like when you turn the car off and realize music has been playing the whole drive, but you didn’t even hear it over the sounds of the car. I have been ending my day at a restaurant with a glass of wine, usually journaling a bit. I have learned the things that are restful and nourishing for me. Maybe these are not the things that are restful and nourishing for you, but I do firmly believe everyone needs more intentional silence in their life. Without it, the space gets filled with the weeds.