Touch and quality time are, without a doubt, my top two love languages. I watch my kids, and especially my son, who still haven’t learned certain social norms around touch and affection, just cling to people, jumping on them, hugging too long and tight, sitting almost on top of someone’s lap, or even wrapping his legs around someone, in his innocent desire to be physically close to the people he loves. I know not everyone needs the amount of touch my son and I need, but I do firmly believe most people in our culture are not getting what they need.
There was a controversy in early Christianity that taught that our bodies were separate from our souls and our bodies were bad. People who spread this heresy were excommunicated from the Church because the Church took this lie so seriously. Our bodies and souls are not separate from each other, but very united and our bodies are good, very good in fact. However, we don’t always act like our bodies are good. We are often very awkward, uncomfortable and even, ashamed of our bodies, as if being human were something to overcome. This discomfort of our bodies is one factor, I believe, that leads us to be uncomfortable with affection.
My dad and husband regularly donate their blood. I have received a stranger’s life-saving donation of blood. I owe that stranger my life. My dear friend received a kidney from their dear friend. I have donated my hair to be made into wigs for cancer patients. We breastfeed our babies. We all share meals together, meals that come from the earth into which one day our bodies will be placed. We drink water that has circled the globe. Life itself is only created with touch. We think we can be independent, we think we are far away from others, but we are closer than we realize. We are connected physically and tangibly, even to strangers.
A study was done that showed how the brain distinguishes affectionate touch from accidental touch. I’ve always been fascinated by endorphins. Women receive copious amounts of oxytocin, known as the “feel-good” hormone through normal, affectionate touch. I’ve never forgotten that babies in orphanages who had all their other needs met would still die from lack of affectionate touch. I believe many of us are adults walking around with all our needs met, yet dying from a lack of touch!
In Honduras everyone greets each other with a kiss on the cheek. It is an expected greeting. Older children would asked to be picked up and hold hands naturally. My experience there was one of a culture that is affectionate and warm. Sociologists have studied “space bubbles” in various cultures and countries. They studied the distance a person was comfortable standing next to a stranger, an acquaintance, and a close friend. The U.S. didn’t have the biggest space bubble requirements in the world, but we were still grouped in the “non-contact culture” group. (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2017/04/24/how-close-is-too-close-depends-on-where-you-live/).
When I taught Kindergarten, I was expected to help teach norms around affection. I wish I could go back and do it very differently. Since we don’t have clear norms in our culture beyond a handshake greeting, we mostly taught them NOT to touch each other and to keep out of other’s space bubbles. Then, when I taught Junior High and High school kids at summer camp, we would do trust exercises and challenge course activities. We would laugh together about how much we have to first break the ice and get comfortable being in each other’s space bubble. Those exercises, however, were always very powerful. It is a vulnerable experience created in a safe environment that cannot be replicated without the aspect of being physically close to people. But, it makes me wonder, how would these activities be different if we didn’t have to unlearn our unclear norms around touch?
I know there are many factors that contribute to the “hook-up culture,” particularly for adults in their 20s, but I wonder how much being starved for affection contributes to it? I don’t necessarily think delaying marriage until people have matured some was a bad cultural trend, but I do think we’ve somewhat abandoned a certain population of people to severe isolation for an entire decade- they’ve left their family of origin but haven’t yet started a new family. Some are able to seek out a strong community of friends, but they are the rarity. A lot of people seek community at work, but those relationships are, by nature, conditional.
In Portland, there is an office where you can pay for cuddles. Trained, professional platonic cuddlers charge $80-$100 an hour. I guess I am glad that people are recognizing their desperation for hugs, but the fact that this business model is growing so rapidly is a sign of just how touch deprived we are as a culture! It is sad that there are so many people who don’t feel they have anyone they can go to who would cuddle with them just because they are a friend. I feel sad for men for whom it would be even more socially unacceptable to platonically cuddle with someone. But mostly I feel sad for our culture that has so many people who will not receive the touch they so desperately need because they don’t live in Portland or don’t have $80 to spend on a hug. The website of one of these places lists the benefits of touch: reduces depression, anxiety, chronic pain, stress and blood pressure and improves self-esteem, mood, confidence and immune system function. I’ve heard people talk about the youngest generation of teenagers and how sensitive they are and how much they lack resiliency. If that’s true about them, it’s because our culture has created them that way. It’s not their fault they have been given technology in place of human affection. It’s not their fault they don’t know how to greet one another, dance or be affectionate because there were no cultural rituals passed down to them to teach them these things.
I remember in high school recognizing particular people who were good huggers. Their hugs were warm and safe and full of care. I missed those people when they were gone. I don’t know how to change our culture around touch, but I guess I hope, like most things, it can start in small ways. Maybe we can learn to offer a back rub when a friend is stressed. Maybe we can place an understanding hand on someone’s shoulder when they are speaking. Maybe we can create rituals of greeting and goodbye that are expected and normal. Maybe we can just, as much as possible, prioritize being together ‘in the flesh’ over technology. And maybe we can be vulnerable and brave and ask for the hug or cuddle we need.