I have mentioned in prior blogs how busy and crazy my world was this past spring and, especially, summer. This time was filled with mostly good things, and I don’t regret the events and circumstances that were the main source of craziness, however, I have spent these last 3 months recovering and resting (yes, it has taken 3 months to finally feel somewhat recovered) and trying hard to reflect on how I can put order back into my life. I realized an important piece of this was creating boundaries, both in my physical space, and even more importantly, in my internal space. A friend brought up in conversation how we are co-creators with God and God put order in the chaos, he separated, he named and hence, we are called to do the same in our little piece of creation.
When I had participated in the Spiritual Exercises for Everyday Life a couple years ago, I did a meditation that St. Ignatius called a “program for life.” I spent time praying and reflecting over all aspects of my life, how to enhance family life, work life, prayer life, personal life, what time can I dedicate to engagement in my communities, time for retreat etc. It had been on my heart to return to this meditation since many circumstances have changed from a couple years ago. I spent several hours (on my second monthly silent retreat that I had already realized my soul was desperate for and have talked about in a previous blog) meditating on my own needs, my husband’s and each of my kid’s needs. I spent time pouring over my planner- letting go of good things that are less important than other good things. This was probably the hardest part. I spent time thinking about our resources of time and money and how best to use them and I attempted to stop feeling guilty about asking for, as well as, paying for, help. A big part of getting so crazy this summer is feeling that I had to do it all, feeling (falsely) that I was the only one who could.
As a stay-at-home mom, a lot of my life is hard to define and it can be easy to lose sight of the value of the little things I do, which sometimes leads me to throw up my hands and wonder why I feel like I’m working so hard for so little “results.” Merely naming the work I do at home was a beneficial exercise in realizing why my days are so full, and I don’t just mean housework (though that is never ending), I mean the nourishing, guiding, relating, judging, bonding, community building, reunion planning, call making, friend visiting, tradition planning, card writing kind of work that I try to do for my family, friends and community. I am so grateful that I get to stay home (even when I feel totally crazy) so that I can spend so much time on this kind of work- the work I do believe God has called me to through Con-solatio years ago- the work of hospitality and friendship. Over the summer, I felt like I was failing at so many things, letting so many balls drop, not attending to people the way I wanted to be, and losing my patience with my most important people- my family. As I let God be the one to judge my work during this meditation, I was given a new set of eyes to view my work. I remembered a moment during the summer listening to a song that repeats the scripture, “your labor is not in vain” and I had started to cry because I needed to hear those words so desperately. “Your labor is not in vain.” I needed to know this exhaustion was worth it. This meditation helped me remember the priorities in my life and how to arrange my life to reflect these priorities. If serving God is my first priority, then where do I spend the time that shows that? How can I actually remember to keep a prayer rhythm that is sustaining? If my family is my second priority, does my time and attention reflect that? What unique needs does each family member have in this season? Who else, besides me can attend to those needs? I also realized how much more I needed to take care of myself. I hadn’t fallen into any dire health situations, but I had neglected my physical, emotional and spiritual health during this season of “crazy.” My counselor had reminded me that during times of stress, we needed to spend even more time, as in more than the normal amount, doing self-care. I realized this was true for my spiritual life, as well. My patience, compassion and concern for others had been seriously depleted. I needed to refuel more than normal, which was why I started planning one day a month for a silent retreat for myself.
I read a book for continued foster training called, “Dancing with a Porcupine.” It discussed the importance of taking care of one’s self in order to be a foster parent. The author, Jennie Owens, uses the allusion to being an Olympian athlete- they have to take care of their physical health in ways that the rest of us don’t. She explains foster parenting is like Olympian parenting and we need to take care of ourselves in ways that others may not. I decided to use part of the stipend they give us for fostering to have a house cleaner come monthly. This is still something that feels too indulgent for me, but I recognize it as a need and want to share this news unashamedly in hopes to take away the stigma of getting help. I believe our culture in general is incredibly unhealthy- the communities, friendships and “tribes” that I think used to be a natural part of our lives have to be worked for now. Our work can be dehumanizing, parenting can be isolating, many of us live far from nature. Because we live like this, we may have to take what feels like “Olympian lengths” just to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. We have to get creative with our limited resources of time and money, but I encourage you to fight back against our unhealthy culture- plan time to see friends in person, plan time to be in nature, plan time to do something creative that makes you feel alive, plan time to spend with your creator. There will always be other things to do that seem to be more important, but they just aren’t. I also started taking a few specific vitamins and supplements and I made a real plan to drink more water. I planned into my daily routine a time to take a short walk in nature, though I have to admit I haven’t followed through very well yet. A couple years ago, we started having a babysitter come one evening a week. She has become a part of the family. When she started coming it was a game changer for all of us. It is wonderful for my kids to have another person for them to look up to, to share their stories with and to root them on. It is also wonderful for myself- when my patience is wearing thin on Tuesday I can usually hang on because I know a break is coming Wednesday. This is usually the evening I dedicate to writing this blog, writing in my own journal or having a date night with my husband. During the summer, however, this time was mostly dedicated to just catching up on all the work that needed done. Now that my kids are at school or preschool twice a week (I do a hybrid home school with my kids) I can get work done during that time. I’ll need to consider next summer how to make sure that time remains ‘intentional’ time and not just work time.
As I was prioritizing and re-prioritizing I came across a book called, “A Mother’s Rule of Life” by Holly Pierlot. It had a lot of helpful points, but I also felt a lot of inner resistance while reading it. I love making schedules, so why did her very detailed schedules make me feel more stressed rather than less?? I created a chore chart for my kids…my kids are too young to do a good job, so it is also a chore chart for myself, but if I know which chores will be done on what day, it takes away the stress of trying to get everything clean all at once (failing) and then not knowing what to let go. I also, absolutely believe kids should participate in the work of the house- they learn so many life lessons. So, even though their help isn’t very helpful (yet) I do think this chore chart has multiple benefits. Creating a more detailed schedule out of the “life program” I had discerned also had some benefits. It was surprising to see when I put all the things I needed to do into a schedule, how much time was still left. Similar to the chore chart, once I put a weekly need, or even want, into a time slot, I didn’t have to frantically try to work on my entire to-do list and inevitably fail and end up frustrated. Where I was resisting her schedules, was in the detailed hourly planning. I know myself and I have learned over the years, that I tend to be overly ambitious when it comes to making schedules like these. I’m not a morning person and I’ve slowly learned to feel less guilty about not trying to wake up before everyone and just letting my kids watch a show in the morning while I drink my coffee, try to say some prayers, and just plain wake up before having to start cleaning up spills and breaking up fights. I’m also still baffled by how this woman handles interruptions and schedule changes. This was the big question I realized I needed to take to my spiritual director.
Henry Nouwen said, “I have always been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted; then I realized that the interruptions were my work.” As a mom, and as someone who has lived in various community homes, I love this quote and I have taken it to heart. I am glad that my habit has mostly become to prioritize people over tasks. If a friend invites us over last minute, we usually go. If someone strikes up a conversation on my way to get something done, I linger with the person and the conversation. However, I began to take it too far. When my kids or other family member need something I tend to drop what I’m doing to respond, when the phone rings (even if I just sat down with the baby’s bottle or just logged in to my bank account to pay bills) I answer it. I needed better boundaries and I needed help discerning when to say ‘no,’ or even better, when to say, ‘not now.’ I began by telling my spiritual director how much I sincerely want to do everything. Overall, I have to say I feel blessed that there are countless things that bring me joy. However, this desire for everything is also what leads to me feeling crazy and overwhelmed. How can I discern when to say ‘no.’ Almost everyone else I have talked to about how busy I was advised me to say ‘no’ to more things. She responded first by saying how happy she was to hear how great my desire is, because we are made for the infinite. God always gives beyond our capacity, and this is a great mercy actually. As she left for her first mission she was told she would experience the “peace that will never leave you in peace.” Perfection is not the goal, balance is not even the goal. When I mentioned the book with the detailed schedules, she said, “there is no perfect recipe, no perfect rule. It’s good to be organized, but you don’t really struggle with organization” (it’s always so good to hear an outside perspective). So, what do I say ‘no’ to, and how do I know when it’s in the moment? “To say ‘no’, you should know what you are saying ‘yes’ to. To say a real ‘yes’ implies multiple ‘no’s.’ Multi-tasking is never a real ‘yes.’ I have experienced if I just ask God in the interruptions if this is one I should stop for or not, he gives me an answer.” I have experienced that too…I just always forget to ask! She advised me to find good rest and then plan it. She said when I feel overwhelmed, I should go to my husband or someone who loves me for we are not meant to do this life alone. Suddenly, just these changes in perspective made me so grateful and relieved. It’s a gift to desire so much, even if all the desires will not be attained in this life. I don’t need to blame myself for getting overwhelmed, I can recognize I’m not God, rest and move on. I was making my life more complicated by berating myself for wanting to do it all.
I’ll conclude this blog with the other book that I listened to during this time. This was actually the second time I’ve listened to Boundaries, When to Say Yes How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I can’t recommend this book enough. If you don’t think you have boundary problems, if you know you have boundary problems, if someone else in your life has boundary problems…everyone should read this book. ‘Boundaries’ seems to be a buzz word these days, but even still I don’t hear the buzz word in the way that this book explains it. We have serious boundary problems in our culture. We are overly concerned about hurting people’s feelings and not concerned enough about helping them actually learn from their mistakes. Love requires boundaries, it requires distinct and separate persons. We used to have natural/geographical boundaries, but thanks to smart phones anyone at anytime can get a hold of us. I am working hard on putting boundaries on my phone- leaving it in my bedroom (a physical boundary) and staying off facebook more often. I hadn’t quite realized how much I was letting my phone violate my boundaries until I felt a taste of the freedom without it. I am still a slave to it though! There are plenty of other areas where I’m working on boundary work, but that could be a whole post. I hope what I have been learning and discerning about putting order in my life can be a guide for you. I’d be happy to direct you to or loan to you any of the meditations or books that I’ve mentioned.