I thought I would use this blog post, which is in honor of my mom on her 5th anniversary into heaven, to make a special announcement. It feels akin to the anticipation of a pregnancy announcement, and it is…it’s just not MY pregnancy. My family and I have started the process to become foster parents! We are very excited and have lots of questions (again similar to actually being pregnant). We’re still 8-9 months away from completing the classes and preparations, so it’s not happening tomorrow or anything but I wanted to share our excitement. How is this announcement related to my mom? Because she taught me about love, bravery and loss. The first comment I always hear about fostering is that it just sounds too painful to love a child and then give them back. I understand this concern and I share this concern, myself. However, I am grateful for a few experiences, particularly my mom’s death, that have shown me that love: real heart-sharing, soul-connecting, true love is forever. Separation cannot end love, even a separation as powerful as death. In the loves that I have lost, there has been pain, yes, severe pain, but never regret.
The first time I ever started thinking about this concern was when I was sent to Honduras. Up until then, when I said goodbye to loved ones- I knew I was only saying goodbye temporarily. Now there I was in a foreign country and my job was to learn to love and be loved. At one point, I realized I was holding back. I didn’t want to become too attached- I would be leaving these people in a year, but I also felt these people entering my heart more and more as the stories of our lives became more and more entwined. I spoke to the priest in my community who is French, honest and NOT sentimental. “Yes, it will be painful to leave these people in a year, but wouldn’t it be worse leaving untouched, unmoved? Wouldn’t it be worse to find you’ve kept your heart closed and protected from these people who have much to teach you about loving? You will be given grace and your new loved ones here will be given grace.” The Hondurans have a beautiful expression that is such a regular saying in my mind, that I only recently remembered we don’t really talk this way in the United States. Many, many friends told me when I was saying goodbye that they would “carry me in their hearts” and I said the same to them. It’s a beautiful image, don’t you think, to carry someone in your heart? It explains rather precisely what happens when someone enters the sacred place of being beloved. The amazing and, somewhat mysterious, thing is that once someone is carried in your heart, they can stay there forever. Even in the realm of psychology, it is only when a secure attachment is formed that a person can remain connected to their secure person in their absence. Or in other words, more love, gratuitously given- not partial or protected love-leads to confident, secure love.
When my mom died, the loss felt unbearable. Though not as sharp, I still have large waves that rush over me, particularly this time of year, when a little girl (me) just needs to feel her mother’s love. However, there was an emotion that surprised me by its strength that then and now, by some grace, usually feels larger than the pain of wishing I could still feel her tangible love, and that emotion is: gratitude. Gratitude that I had known such a motherly love and gratitude that I have every confidence I am still her beloved. It’s a strange emotion connected and dependent on all kinds of feelings, but it represents the truth that Love is unending.
I will admit that I am scared to knowingly bring pain and loss into my family, to knowingly invite our hearts to be broken, but how else can we carry more children in our hearts if not by breaking open our hearts a little more? I would gladly have my body broken again to bring forth more life, but unfortunately the risks to my health are too great. So, instead, I will choose to have my heart broken a little more to cultivate life. We, sometimes, act as if love is limited and measurable, as if there is only so much to go around, so it must be rationed. But, when we stop to love, we experience the truth- more people to love only expands the love in our heart, it is limitless, it will not run out. Little ones out there, we look forward to soon be carrying you in our hearts forever. Mom, thanks for passing on the kind of brave love that trusts in the unbreakable bond of a love that is true. Friends, let’s not leave this earth and find that we’ve kept our hearts closed and protected from others who have much to teach us about love.