Several months ago I read an article by David Brooks titled, “The Nuclear Family was a Mistake.” I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. The title, of course, is to get your attention, but the point he proves through cultural trends, statistics, and typical stories of individuals is that the nuclear family was never supposed to exist separate from a community. The nuclear family is falling apart because, as a culture, we have put far too many pressures and expectations on two people- a mom and a dad. For most of our history, families and households were made up of many people-parents and kids, grandparents, in-laws, cousins, hired workers or slaves. For most of our history, your neighbor was really your neighbor. For most of our history, we have had to work really hard and rely on each other just to not starve. We have made many economic gains in America, especially since the 40s, but, I believe we’ve sacrificed community and belonging for “independence.”
I have been lucky to live in various communities in my life so far- my small town growing up (though I romanticize it a little now, it was filled with strong communities that I don’t find in the bigger cities), college dorm life, summer camp staff, my experience with Heart’s Home in Honduras and, later, in Spokane with students. All these experiences have a few things in common- they were some of the most joyful times in my life and, also, some of the most irritating. I will not pretend that there are not real sacrifices to allowing people into your life closely, letting them into your daily moods, letting them see your weaknesses and simultaneously having their weaknesses affect your life. It is not easy knowing that you could be the object of gossip, that your way of putting dishes away might have to be discussed and forgiven, that your freedom and space will be restricted. But what is the alternative?
In The Great Divorce, by C.S. Lewis, he writes about a fictional after life. As the main character gets on the “bus” and looks around at all the empty streets, he asks what happened to this town. A person explains, “The trouble is that they’re so quarrelsome. As soon as anyone arrives he settles in some street. Before he’s been there twenty-four hours he quarrels with his neighbor. Before the week is over he’s quarreled so badly that he decides to move. Very likely he finds the next street empty because all the people there have quarreled with their neighbors- and moved. So he settles in…finally he’ll move right out to the edge of the town and build a new house…getting further apart. They’re so far off by now that they could never think of coming to the bus stop at all. Astronomical distances.” I try to remind myself of this descriptive scenario-especially since my tendency when confronted with conflict is to run and avoid at all costs. However, the cost of never dealing with conflict is very high, it is literally, hell. Lewis goes on to describe those who are at the very farthest edges pacing and muttering alone and unable to stop.
In Brooks’ article, he explains how from a practical level, having a larger community extending beyond the nuclear family was a must- if someone got sick, lost a job, experienced a death, a birth, there were plenty of people to cushion that experience. Children were raised by many adults who were concerned about their well-being and development. In our current system, mothers bear a particularly large burden. Mom guilt is absurdly high. From my personal experience, I would not have been able to return to work if my mother-in-law wasn’t able to watch my kids. Have you seen the cost of childcare? We have a very fractured, lonely, mentally unstable culture growing in America. I’m very concerned. Many solutions that are offered are not addressing the root problem-lack of deep kinship and community. Before we make little choices, like separating from people who disagree with us about politics, culture or how to put the dishes away correctly; let’s choose to engage rather than avoid. Let’s sacrifice some of our independence, our space, and our individual desires for the sake of the community.
Brooks concludes his article with a graph that “haunts” him. It is the graph that shows the rise of GDP in developed countries rises with the number of people living alone. I am also haunted by knowledge of this graph as well, because my experience of working with diverse communities living in economic poverty matches the, shall I say ‘prophecy’, of this graph. Independence is much too closely aligned with loneliness. We have made independence the ultimate goal, yet it is through dependence that I have known the greatest loves and, through that, the greatest joys. It will take deep intention and awareness to create the kind of communities where joy can flourish. A temptation will always be to cut out those who cause us problems, who take away from our freedom, but I believe we can begin to live life intentionally and bring others in, before we wind up in the outskirts of hell.